Guest Post by Tsilah Burman
Tsilah – before and today
I have been a workaholic all my life and was quite proud and self-righteous about it—until it did me in. I had heard people say that the one thing people never say on their deathbed is that they wished they had worked more! But it didn’t sink in until my life spun totally out of control.
From the time I was in elementary school, I worked really hard in school and then, later, in my career. But I didn’t just work 9-5; no, it was more like 24-7. When I wasn’t working, I got involved on Boards and Commissions and was a leader of this and that. I was also a wife and mother and I loved to knock myself out giving to them, believing that the more I gave the more self-worth I would gain. My actions seemed noble (at least I thought they were), but what I now see is that the workaholism and “busyness” was a way of running away from myself. I was trying to avoid dealing with feelings I didn’t want to feel and the reality I didn’t want to face.
The more I kept working and “doing,” the more I could stay numb. I even worked and kept busy to the detriment of being connected with my family. And the working, “doing,” and running got worse to the point that I exhausted myself. Then, my health started to be impacted with one health crisis after the next. By age 50 I was 80 pounds overweight, depressed, and full of anxiety.
You see, we can never run away from what’s deep down inside; it will catch up with us in one form or another. For me it definitely caught up, so I had to finally face the deep-seated self-hatred I had lived with all my life. I had to examine its origins and being to heal it. With the help of The Nelson Center for Emotional Healing, I was able to do this.
Of course it was very challenging to deal with the hurt feelings and pain I was trying not to feel. Dealing with the guilt and shame I felt for my actions was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Yet it has been far easier than continuing the abuse I had been committing against myself and those around me on a daily basis. In facing all those feelings inside me, I can see them for what they are, take responsibility for them and with God’s help, do differently.
I am writing this because I don’t want you to have to wait for a crisis to show you the truth about your life. The Nelson Center gave me the tools and support to be able to face all that I have been running from. Now it is up to me to use these tools and do better every day.
I recently heard Tricia talk about how important (and hard) it is to accept that we have a condition that doesn’t go away. It is so easy to want a break from recovery and dealing with all that we have been running from. But as Roy and Tricia have taught me, the magic is in the acceptance, the daily diligence, and taking good action contrary to the way I have always done things. It is only then that the benefits accrue. Every time I do this healing work, miracles happen; my life opens up in new and wondrous ways. I want that for you. I want you to find the life of your dreams.
Here are some of the tools I have learned and which help me:
1) Prayer – Feeling desperate and when not feeling desperate, I get on my knees and thank God for his help. Praying reminds me that I am not alone and that I will be shown what I need to do if I am quiet and still enough to listen for the guidance.
2) Meditation – In being quiet and still all the stuff that I needed to face bubbled up in a gentle loving way.
3) Feeling – I let the feelings come and release them.
4) Writing – Writing about what had come up or was still coming up gave me clarity, helped release more, and helped me to see reality and truth from the fiction that I had created in my mind.
5) Talking – Sharing about it, helped me to not feel alone and to hear it and learn even more. Admitting my worst fears helped me to see that I am human and that no matter what, I can be forgiven and do things differently next time. Also, by sharing with you and others, I hopefully can help someone else, which is always a great feeling.
Workaholism, like other addictions, is just another symptom of a deeper issue. The Nelson Center has given me the courage to uproot the unstable foundation on which I had built my life and in its place install a much stronger one on which I may build a joyful, authentic life.
